Just finished “Baby Reindeer,” a dark and twisty show based on Richard Gadd’s own experience with a stalker. Gadd plays Donny Dunn, an aspiring comedian desperate for fame to escape judgment. The story starts off unsettling, then takes a shocking turn into emotional/sexual/physical abuse.
But here’s the surprising part: the show delves deeper than just the stalker. It explores the lasting impact of abuse. Even after the ordeal ends, the damage stays with you, messing with your head. You question everything, blame yourself, and sometimes even crave attention, even if it’s the wrong kind.
Sometimes people ask why I didn’t fight back, run away, or tell someone. They don’t realize it takes time for survivors to even process what happened. It’s not a simple reaction. Your body shuts down, your mind goes blank. You might even start to believe you deserve the abuse, leading to self-sabotage and damaging the relationships around you.
We live in a fast-paced world where success reigns supreme. We often try to bury painful experiences, rushing to move on. Sometimes, we even succeed in pushing them down. But then, one sudden event can shatter the fragile peace, forcing us to confront the buried past. However, confronting something so deeply confusing can be paralyzing. We question if it was truly abuse, especially when the situations felt like bad choices fueled by intuition. How can we even define abuse when it happened at the tender age of five, with a perpetrator only slightly older? The power dynamic becomes even murkier when it repeats at eighteen, with a significant age gap again present.
Opening up about your experience can feel like asking for trouble in today’s world. People might judge you, make fun of you, or just not believe you. No wonder it’s tempting to swallow it all down and pretend it never happened. It might bring a kind of peace, but it takes forever to truly accept what happened. It’s like slowly walking around the pain, never really getting past it.
The show portrays a heartbreaking truth through Donny’s relationship with Terry. He admits his love for her can’t overcome the self-hatred he feels. This resonates deeply. Abuse often triggers immediate self-hatred, a desperate attempt to understand the trauma. It fosters a toxic connection with your body and sexuality. In the search for a sense of self, meaningless sex becomes a way to reclaim your body.
Despite its unsettling themes, the show’s exceptional quality offered a strangely therapeutic experience. Witnessing such an honest portrayal made me feel less alone, a sense of validation that someone truly understands and sees what I’ve been through.
*Views are personal*
jellyfish/megh.
Nothing 